Who’s on First?

Don’t have much to offer this week.    Been very busy all week trying to figure out how to put and keep my mask on.   During that escapade, I was reminded of an old adage from my past that “laughter is the best medicine.”   Well since I don’t have anything else to offer you this week, I thought I might try some laughter (most all of which I cut and paste from various websites).  

Betsy Towner of AARP thinks these are baseball’s funniest quotes.   Some are, some aren’t.

1.         It ain’t nothin’ till I call it. — Bill Klem, legendary Major League Baseball umpire

2.         There have been only two authentic geniuses in the world, Willie Mays and Willie Shakespeare. — Tallulah Bankhead

3.         I never threw an illegal pitch. The trouble is, once in a while I toss one that ain’t never been seen by this generation. — Satchel Paige

4.         Ninety percent of this game is half mental. — Yogi Berra

5.         If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base. — Dave Barry

6.         Who is this Baby Ruth? And what does she do? — George Bernard Shaw

7.         The way to make coaches think you’re in shape in the spring is to get a tan. — Whitey Ford

8.         Running a ball club is like raising kids who fall out of trees. — Tom Trebelhorn

9.         I watch a lot of baseball on radio. — Gerald Ford

10.       I didn’t mean to hit the umpire with the dirt, but I did mean to hit that bastard in the stands. — Babe Ruth

11.       If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off. — Bill Veeck

12.       Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn’t score any runs. — Tim McCarver

13.       Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak the sunrise past a rooster. — Joe Adcock

14.       The other teams could make trouble for us if they win. — Yogi Berra

15.       Beethoven can’t really be great because his picture isn’t on a bubble gum card. — Charles Schulz

16.       I think I throw the ball as hard as anyone. The ball just doesn’t get there as fast. — Eddie Bane

17.       Third ain’t so bad if nothin’ is hit to you. — Yogi Berra

18.       He slid into second with a standup double! — Jerry Coleman (the author had “there ain’t no crying in baseball” here.    I didn’t think that was at all funny, so I replaced it with this one).  

19.       I never took the game home with me. I always left it in some bar. — Bob Lemon

20.       Well, it took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball, and I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. — Hank Aaron

21.       After Jackie Robinson, the most important black in baseball history is Reggie Jackson. — Reggie Jackson

22.       We know we’re better than this, but we can’t prove it. — Tony Gwynn

23.       It ain’t like football. You can’t make up no trick plays. — Yogi Berra

24.       If a horse won’t eat it, I don’t want to play on it. — Dick Allen on artificial turf

25.       “You don’t realize how easy this game is until you get up in that broadcasting booth.” Mickey Mantle

26.       Alan Sutton Sothoron pitched his initials off today. — Anonymous, St. Louis newspaper

27.       All I remember about my wedding day in 1967 is that the Cubs lost a doubleheader. — George F. Will

28.       Never root for a team whose uniforms have elastic stretch waistbands. — Susan Sarandon

29.       There ain’t much to being a ballplayer if you’re a ballplayer. — Honus Wagner

30.       Us ballplayers do things backward. First, we play, then we retire and go to work. — Charlie Gehringer

31.       The funny thing about these uniforms is that you hang them in the closet and they get smaller and smaller. — Curt Flood

32.       Sure I played, did you think I was born age 70 sitting in a dugout trying to manage guys like you? — Casey Stengel, to Mickey Mantle

33.       When you start the game, they don’t say “Work ball!” They say “Play ball!” — Willie Stargell

34.       There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither one of them works. — Charlie Lau

35.       The way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until the ball stops rolling and then to pick it up. — Bob Uecker

36.       Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time? — Yogi Berra

37.       The majority of American males put themselves to sleep by striking out the batting order of the New York Yankees. — James Thurber

38.       A hot dog at the game beats roast beef at the Ritz. — Humphrey Bogart

39.       He’s the strangest hitter in baseball. Figure him out one way and he’ll kill you another. — Sandy Koufax on Roberto Clemente

40.       As a nation, we are dedicated to keeping physically fit — and parking as close to the stadium as possible. — Bill Vaughan

41.       Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting. — Yogi Berra

42.       A man once told me to walk with the Lord. I’d rather walk with the bases loaded. — Ken Singleton (Apparently this is a misquote. Although Singleton was on the team he did not say this. The story goes that in the early ’80’s Earl Weaver was cursing up a storm (typical) in the Orioles dugout and born‑again Christian utility infielder Pat Kelly said to him, “Earl, when are you going to learn to walk with the Lord?”  Weaver’s response was, “as soon as you learn to walk with the f‑en bases loaded”

43.       I’d be willing to bet you, if I was a betting man, that I have never bet on baseball. — Pete Rose

44.       Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. — Yogi Berra

45.       Lasorda’s standard reply when some new kid would ask directions to the whirlpool was to tell him to stick his foot in the toilet and flush it. — Steve Garvey

46.       If you don’t succeed at first, try pitching. — Jack Harshman

47.       The Hall of Fame is for baseball people. Heaven is for good people. — Jim Dwyer

48.       So I’m ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. — Yogi Berra

49.       He looks like a greyhound, but he runs like a bus. — George Brett on teammate Jamie Quirk

50.       The baseball mania has run its course. It has no future as a professional endeavor. — Cincinnati Gazette editorial, 1879

Dave Macaray thought these were the 25 top baseball quotes: 

1.         “If you know how to cheat, start now.”—Baltimore manager Earl Weaver, to pitcher Ross Grimsley on the mound.

2.         “People think we make $3 million or $4 million a year. They don’t realize that most of us only make $500,000.”—Pete Incaviglia, Texas Rangers

3.         “Boston now knows how Britain felt when it lost India.”—Boston Globe sportswriter Ed Linn, on Ted Williams announcing his retirement from the Red Sox.

4.         “You can sum up the game of baseball in one word:  ‘You never know.’ “—Joaquin Andujar, St. Louis Cardinals

5.         When Roger Clemens recorded his 3,000th strikeout in 1998, it was noted that his very first victim was Cleveland Indian manager Mike Hargrove.  At the press conference, Hargrove told him, “I got you off on the right foot, didn’t I?”

6.         “The Yankees are only interested in one thing, and I have no idea what that is.”—Yankee outfielder Luis Polonia

 7.        “I had never been to second base.”—Philadelphia Phillies pitcher (1983‑1990) Don Carman, after getting only his second major league hit (in approximately 80 career at‑bats) and being promptly picked off second base.

8.         Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams is the only pitcher in history (with a minimum of 500 innings pitched) to have given up more walks than hits.  Commenting on their participation in a celebrity baseball game, teammate Andy Van Slyke said, “Patrick Ewing is 7‑feet tall, and has a 6‑foot strike zone.  Mitch walked him.”

9.         “Aw, c’mon, how could he lose the ball in the sun?  He’s from Mexico.”—Chicago Cub announcer Harry Caray, grousing about outfielder Jorge Orta misplaying a fly ball.

10.       “Any pitcher who deliberately throws at a batter’s head is a Communist.”—Alvin Dark, manager, San Francisco Giants.

11.       This exchange occurred between Cleveland Indians broadcaster Herb Score and his radio partner Nev Chandler.  Chandler:  “That base‑hit makes Cecil Cooper 19 for 42 against Tribe pitching.”  Score:  “I’m not good at math, but even I know that’s over .500.”

12.       “I walk into the clubhouse today and it’s like walking into the Mayo Clinic. We have four doctors, three therapists, and five trainers. Back when I broke in, we had one trainer who carried a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and by the 7th inning he’d already drunk it.”—Tommy Lasorda

13.       On hearing that Reggie Jackson was reported to have an IQ of 165, Yankee teammate Mickey Rivers snidely replied, “Out of what—a thousand?”

14.       With his team behind 11‑2 in the late innings, a batter stepped out of the box, and carefully studied the 3rd base coach.  NBC announcer, Tony Kubek, drolly remarked, “He’s getting the ‘hit the ball hard’ sign.”

15.       “Two hours is about as long as any American can wait for the close of a baseball game….or anything else for that matter.”—Albert Spalding (1850‑1915), professional baseball player, manager, co‑founder of Spalding sporting goods.

16.       When he was just starting out, Jim Leyland told his mom he might be forced to leave the organization because there was no spot for him: “Alex Grammas is third base coach, and Dick Tracewski is first base coach,” he said, “and neither guy is going anywhere.”  His mom thought a moment, then politely asked, “Who’s the second base coach?”

17.       In 1992, the Phillies acquired Michael Crouwel, a Dutch catching prospect who played on Holland’s national team.  When asked what he thought about the city of Philadelphia, Crouwel said:  “The only thing I know about it is that it’s in New Jersey.”

18.       “He’s got power enough to hit home runs in any park, including Yellowstone.”—Manager Sparky Anderson, on Willie Stargell

19.       “You want proof that baseball players are smarter than football players?  How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?”—Jim Bouton

20.       “Don’t call ‘em dogs.  Dogs are loyal and they run after balls.”—1943 St. Louis Browns Manager Luke Sewell, responding to a sportswriter who suggested that his team had “played like dogs.”

21.       In a lengthy extra‑inning game against the ChiSox (June 10, 1992), Angel pitcher Mark Langston was forced to hit.  He wound up batting twice against Donn Pall, each time with two men on base, and each time striking out badly on a succession of nasty forkballs.  After the game, Langston was interviewed.  “I’d never seen a forkball before,” he lamented.  Added ChiSox announcer Ed Farmer:  “He still hasn’t.”

22.       “There’s a thin line between genius and insanity, and in Larry’s case it was so thin you could see him drifting back and forth across it.”—Brooklyn Dodger Manager Leo Durocher, on team executive Larry MacPhail.

23.       “I gave (pitcher) Mike Cuellar more chances than I gave my first wife.”—Earl Weaver, Baltimore Orioles manager

24.       “Last night I failed to mention something that bears repeating.”—Seattle Mariner announcer Ron Fairly

25.       “On this special Father’s Day, we’d like to wish all of you a very Happy Birthday.”—New York Mets announcer Ralph Kiner.

Here’s some I picked up from here and there:

“I can remember a sports writer asking me for a quote and I didn’t know what a quote was.  I thought it was some kind of soft drink.”  ‑Joe DiMaggio

“I’m glad I don’t play anymore. I could never learn all of those handshakes.”  – Phil Rizzuto

“They broke it to me gently. The manager came up to me before a game and told me they didn’t allow visitors in the clubhouse.”  ‑ Bob Uecker

“I was in Little League. I was on first base‑I stole third base.  I ran straight across the diamond.  Earlier in the week, I learned the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. I argue with the umpire that second base was out of my way.”  ‑Steve Wright

“I have an Alka‑Seltzer bat.  You know‑plop, plop, fizz, fizz, when the pitcher sees me walking up there he says, ‘Oh, what a relief it is’.”  ‑Andy Van Slyke

“Why does everyone stand up and sing Take Me Out to the Ball Game when they’re already there?”‑Larry Anderson

“I’m praying 2 things: Please God, don’t let them hit it to me…and, please don’t let them hit it to Steve Sax.”‑Pedro Guerrero

“They should move back first base a step to eliminate all those close plays.”‑John Lowenstein

“They give you a round bat and they throw you a round ball.  And they tell you to hit it square.”‑Willie Stargell

“I never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes.”‑Leo Durocher

“The last time the Cubs won the World Series was 1908. The last time they were in one was 1945.  Hey, any team can have a bad century.”‑ Tom Trebelhorn

“Haywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes he looks like a party favor.”  Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle in Major League

and of course here are some funny comedy routines or clips from movies:

Abbot & Costello’s classic “Who’s on First”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg&t=214s

George Carlin comparing “Baseball and Football”

The History of Baseball

And some clips from “Bull Durham

Please feel free to add your own.   In the meantime, please stay safe and sane.